The Homos are coming! The Homos are coming!
If you’re a resident of the state of holy wedlock, it’s time to bunker in and hunker down. Your marriage is under imminent threat.
It seems Congress passed something called the Defense of Marriage Act back in 1996. What marriage apparently needed to be “defended” against, according to this legislative nugget, was what the Honorable Antonin Scalia refers to in court writings – in his strictly constitutional, non-ideological, non-activist role, of course – as the “homosexual agenda.”
Well, damn.
This is truly distressing. We were going to be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary next year. Now, thanks to some uppity gays who want legal recognition and benefits for their relationships, and some bleeding-heart Chardonnay-swilling judge who says the feds overstepped the rightful borders of federalism, it’s all flushed right down the loo.
Maybe you’re one of those naïve types who thought the biggest threats to marriage were things like abuse, serial infidelity and adultery, epidemic divorce – boring, familiar stuff like that.
Boy, are you stupid.
Some of the reaction to the whole gay marriage thing is interesting, to put it mildly. A common theme is the Slippery Slope argument – allow gays to marry, and next we’ll be legalizing polygamy, or letting people marry sheep, mannequins, etc.
None of which, quite frankly, would have the slightest effect on my life -- or my marriage. (Remember, the homos have already destroyed that.)
About that polygamy argument, an especially popular one with the Traditional Values folks: Ummm … maybe it’s tacky of me to bring this up, but have you had an Old Testament refresher lately? Apparently the “one man and one woman” thing wasn’t exactly binding on some earlier generations of holies.
(Abraham, before he was the father of three major world religions, was the father of a son by his wife’s maid. This does not seem to have diminished his divinity among Christians, Jews or Muslims – maybe the only thing those feuding branches of the same theological family tree agree on.)
So my wife and I are going to quietly cling to the sunset days of our life together, and wait in fatalistic resignation for the hordes of pillaging leather queens and diesel dykes to rampage through what once was our marriage.
It was nice while it lasted.
3 comments:
Hear, hear. Brad and I will join you in that blessed fatalistic resignation!
Jenn: My best to you both. All us married folks can make a valiant last stand at the Siege of the Queens. Kind of like the Alamo.
Yes, how dare anyone suggest that two people of the same sex can have a committed, legally recognized relationship. How dare we suggest they be allowed to visit each other's hospital rooms, safeguard their personal wishes in times of crisis, or have decent health insurance (WHICH THEY WOULD PAY FOR). Just thinking about destabilizes my own relationship.
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